January Round-Up & 5 Useless Things We Should Buy the Queen

First of all I must apologise for my lack of posts of late. It turns out the workload for final year is far more gruelling than I imagined. I’m actually producing a punk magazine for one of my projects, so if you have any specific tips or suggestions it’d be brilliant to hear via the comment button, or on Twitter. Oh and I must say thanks for all the support offered so far, it really is appreciated.

January always seems a bit of a strange month and a long one at that too. In terms of music, it appears that every band and its dog are making a comeback for 2012, and this week alone has already seen the announcement of a reformed New Order tour (without Hooky) and a new Garbage album. January also begins the festival jabber, from planning which to attend (Strummercamp & Rebellion for me this year) to all the speculation and endless predictions about the full line-ups.

As always it’s been a month full of bizarre news stories, many of which will be forgotten by around March time. From censorship vs copyright and the Wikipedia blackout, to the Gary Glitter on Twitter stunt, and of course that dreaded bloody yacht.

Yes, fuckwit Michael Gove proposing that the Queen should be bought a yacht for the 60^th Jubilee (suggesting that a private private donation could be sought if insufficient taxpayer funds were available) was my personal news highlight for January.

In fact the whole yacht fiasco got me thinking, if it could even be so much as contemplated that the taxpayer should buy her a boat, what other lavish items could we buy her? To exaggerate my point, I’ve compiled a short list of items we should all pitch in and pay for, some more useful than others.

1. An escape pod to the moon: I can’t believe an MP hasn’t suggested this before; if the apocalypse were to take place at the end of the year, surely the first thing we’d want to protect would be the Queen? Well, with this genius invention, at just the flick of a switch she’s be able to transport herself to the refuge of the moon. Maybe we could all chip in for the spacesuit too?

2. A pet Quagga: You can't give a more exotic gift than an extinct half-zebra half horse. It would surely be faster than your average racehorse, and I'm guessing it would be a lot more useful for playing polo too. 

3. State funerals for her Corgis: Unfortunately, there comes a heart-breaking time in every pet owner’s life when you have to say goodbye to a treasured pet. This of course is a woeful time and it is very common these days to hold a small ceremony to commemorate the loss. As a nation we could help ease the pain for our Queen during her difficult time, and fund a magnificent send off for her beloved animals should anything happen to them.

4. Her own bingo hall: This one is quite simple really; pensioners love bingo - imagine the fun she could have playing for hours on end. We could even throw in an extra tenner to add to the pot for her first winnings. 

5. A roller coaster: As age takes its hold, mobility problems become imminent, but the Queen deserves something far faster and more stylish than your average Stannah stair lift. She’s certainly a lot more active than most pensioners, and just think how much time she be able to save if she were to travel around the palace via the means of a roller coaster.

So there you have it, of course it’s open to suggestions…

I wonder how long it will take for MP’s to suggest more gifts similar to these?


Oh and on a final note, I'd like to dedicate this to the complete wanker that is Mr Redknapp Snr. Good luck with the rest of the trial Harry: